The UK Top 10 (Week Beginning 20/9/09)

Okay, so recently I've started to pay an interest in what sort of music is flowing through the charts. Well... I say music...

Anyway, every fortnight I will return here from my adventures in the real world to talk you through the shite that accumulates in the UK Top 40 (mainly focusing on the slimey turd that is the Top 10).

So... Let's begin.




Number 10

Sugaharlots' 'Get Sexy' has dropped down two places in the Top 10 in the charts this week. A sad day for young girls and moderately pervy males I have to say. I admit, they're pretty hot, but this does not mean their music is good.

Okay, so I've listened to the song... Is that chorus already a song? I swear it is. After mopping up the blood that was oozing from my ears I noticed that the lyrics are worse than a giant octopus gripping onto your balls. 'Get sexy right now'... besides from not making much sense, I do get the feeling that this song is intended for either sex-obsessed humans or people who 'like all music'.

Well, apart from being as shallow as a dried up puddle, this song is quite dancey and catchy. But that is no reason for people to be downloading it and ACTUALLY LISTENING TO IT! =U It's fine as background drone in a club but as a song... I'd rather eat moose eyes covered in bat droppings.


Number 9

Okay, because I haven't heard of these girls before I thought I better push away any bias I have towards the cheesy song name. Mini Viva have entered the charts three weeks ago with their song 'Left My Heart In Tokyo'.

I'll admit, I actually find this a pretty good song. Not truely imaginative, deep or technical but the breakdown sounds lovely. At this point I begin to wonder if this song was written for them or not? If it was, good way to make money from the unsuspecting public. It is clear that the same dance/r&b template for songs are being used over and over again without the public noticing.

One hit wonder? Good beat though.


Number 8

Since doing a collab with writes-awesome-bass-riffs-although-they-get-repetitive singer/songwriter Calvin Harris, Dizzie Rascal has captured the publics imagination of looking sharp and keeping your eye on [some random girls] movement. And seeing no room for improvement for that matter.

The great thing about Dizzie is that you can love him because his music is so ridiculous and very catchy. Again, nothing deep here with Dizzie's most recent single 'Holiday' (seems to be singing about taking a girl on holiday... probably hasn't been done before). I reckon people like this one because it came out in the holidays and they thought 'OMG, Dizzie is singin' about tha' holidayz and we is on our holidays innit!'.

Blatently.


Number 7

The greats of catchy tunes and sexy vocals are back. Black Eyed Peas have released their follow-up single to 'Boom Boom Pow' (which in my opinion was like grating your brain on a cheese slicer) badly-spelt 'I Gotta Feeling'. Well okay, I'm not bothered about the spelling. I'm more interested in the song.

We all know that BEP songs have actually been really good. Their self written material, their collab with Papa Roach (Hell yeah!) and their sometimes deep lyrics... (actually only 'Where is the love?' had deep lyrics) have caused a stir in the I-hate-this-R&B-crap society.

This song is such a happy, feel-good song. Probably the best in the charts at the moment!


Number 6

Pixie Lott.

What?

Oh yeah, the cheesy lyrics, cheesy song title and cringe worthy sax/trumpet/something-of-the-brass-variety-that-is-probably-electronic-anyway.

You know, when I first heard this song I said 'Ooo, another Girls Aloud template'. I actually thought it was Girls Aloud. It might as well be... The person who produced this should have been shot before he/she had the chance. This is the most mainstream, corporate pile of soggy bollocks that has ever been this catchy. This music was good... once. When media pawns Girls Aloud came onto our teles.

Right now I'm hoping this is a one-hit-wonder. Please.


Number 5

Halfway there folks, and what a better way to wake you up than with hips-obsessed Shakira with her female-dominatrix song 'She Wolf'.

Well at least the electronic filter makes her voice less annoying. And this song is actually really funny. Loving the 'AHWOOOO!' noise and then the heavy breathing. Reminds me of an escaped mental patient who watched too many old-style horror movies.

And what is this obsession with S.O.S!? Isn't that a song already?

Admittedly the violins sound lovely for the 15 seconds that they appear.


Number 4

What is happening? What is that noise? Sounds like a dog being repeatedly bashed over the head and with one of those sticks that make that 'EEEOOOWWW' noise that you used to shake about and shove in your mouth when you were 6. Jay-Z Ft Rihanna & Kanye West... Jay-Z did something with Linkin Park once. That wasn't too bad. But the ol' Jay-Zee's rapping in this song is worse than sticking your head up Peter Andres arse.

Is Kanye West in this song at all? Oh there he is. Douchebag.

The best thing about this song is Rihanna. Apart from the hiccup that was 'Umbrella', she has a good voice and she looks lovely in the music video.


Number 3

How many songs called Celebration are there!? Yes, the queen of pop is back. This time just a little older and hopefully wearing a few more clothes. All I can say about this song is that it sounds like typical Madonna moderned up a bit. Which is... meh. Not much to talk about on this.


Number 2

The name of this song makes me feel like someone has thrown up in my mouth 2 girls 1 cup style. 'Sexy Chick' is the new derogative-to-women song from David Guetta featuring squeaky Akon.

Why do R&B artists feel the need to write songs about 'Sexy Girls'. I mean, yes: sexy girls are hot (and sexy) but it just shows a lack of imagination and intelligence. I can imagine this song blarring out of a Fiat Punto's windows with a baseball-capped guy hanging out and enticing girls into his car for sex. A video of which would go directly to FailBlog.

This song can't piss me off enough. Although what does make me laugh is that the record label of this album is Virgin... (get it!?)


Number 1

Here we are, finally. Taio Cruz. This has managed to go straight to number 1, booting Pixie Lott off the top slot.

Right, so obviously we get the heavily electronic instruments straight away, cheesy lyrics and an unimaginative song title. Oo, and look! It's the same hot girls in this video from David Guetta's single! Maybe they're the secret to getting a song in the UK Top 10! *calls up their management*.

Okay, so again repetitive chorus. 'I'm Only Gonna Break Break Break Break Your Heart' repeated numerous times and when that gets boring Taio resorts to 'Wooaaahooohh'. ''Have a gold sticker Taio and a pat on the back. Next time we'll teach you how to put two sentences together for a chorus''.




Overall:
This weeks charts have been a rollercoaster of repetitive basslines, chorus and riffs. Best song of this week? I've got a feeling it's 'I Gotta Feeling' by the legendary Black Eyed Peas. Worst song of the week? 'Sexy Chick' by David 'Could be' Buetta featuring Akorn.

In conclusion:
I'm crossing my fingers for Muse to rise back into the Top 10. Or just rock in general. Just no more dance templates please!


- Matt